Sex can be one of the most intimate and pleasurable moments married or couples in a romantic relationship can experience. However, it can also be one of the terrifying things to deal and talk about with, even with a partner.
‘How Game Are You’ was developed as a tool to start conversations, reduce stigma’s, increase understanding and have fun talking about sex so that later on you can communicate better with your partner about specific topics in a more meaningful way. We hope you get to play the game and in the meanwhile, here is an article written by Miri Mogilevsk and posted at EverydayFeminism.com, talking about difficult sex conversations.
Five reasons talking about sex can be difficult:
- Internalized Sexual Stigma
To be brought up in an environment where sexuality is stigmatized, it’s not easy to tell yourself no matter how you want to believe that there’s nothing bad shameful about it. This can result to being self-conscious, or being anxious talking about it.
- Not Knowing the Words to Use
It’s sometimes hard to talk about sex because we just don’t know which terms we should use. To either use the more clinical or the vulgar ones. And basically, there’s nothing wrong or weird about using these terms but having gotten used to seeing them in health textbooks and dating sites chat messages, makes it a lot harder to use them in a more positive way.
- Cultural Scripts About Sex
One good example, is how romantic movies portray couples hooking up for the first time in an amazing and passionate way. We are aware that this scenes are not truly real, but still many of us still ends up believing this fantasies.
- Bad Previous Experience
You might have done this before and in an earnest way, but somehow .got a bad reaction from the other party. Doing it all over again with another person might just trigger fear of rejection again.
- Past Trauma
If you have a history of sexual trauma, then sex is just not the right topic for you, even with someone already close to you. It might just bring up old wounds and scary memories.
But, whatever reasons you and your partner has now for not being able to talk about sex in your relationship, there are always ways to make it easier:
- Use Checklists
The use of checklist are mostly common to the BDSM.kink communities, where potential partners need to negotiate and arrange their acts before they play. However, using checklist can also be helpful to the ones that do the familiar routine. This list can act like a menu in your favourite restaurant! This will allow you both to take what options and actions to take before that moment rather than during that moment. Here are two great example of list you can check from Autostraddle and Scarleteen.
- Ask Them What They Like – And What They Don’t
If you partner is now more comfortable with a direct conversation about the matter, it’s sometimes a lot better to start it by asking them what they prefer rather than specifying your own. As you discover what your partner want to dos and not to dos, you might find out common grounds that would make talking a lot easier.
- Share Erotica or Porn That You Like with Your Partner
If you’re the type of person who’s comfortable of showing you partner things that turn you on, then erotica and porn might help your partner understand and learn more of you preferences. Unfortunately, pornography has been overused nowadays that it turned out to be unrealistic. And this is an important fact that you should put in mind.
- Take the Conversation Out of the Bedroom
Talking with your partner about sex while you’re doing it or just about to, is not really the best of time. The worst thing is the feeling that you’re just doing something you don’t like just to make your partner happy. Then, establishing these limits outside of the bed might turn out to be easier. You can always ask your partner for a good time to talk about it or just letting the conversation flow when it’s brought up in a discussion.
- Remember That Sex Doesn’t Have to be Awesome Right Away
Sometimes people are just sexually incompatible. Sometimes people’s body are not just capable of what they want to do with each other. And sometimes people’s sex drive just differ. And apart from that, most of the time it’s just too much to put everything on the table the first time you do it together. So, after all it’s really okay along the way.